Stereo Typing

Listening to a row of straight pundits discuss the Larry Craig affair is like watching Tom Arnold hump Camille Paglia wearing a ball gag so she can’t bloviate on his performance. I’m not sure what that means, except that it would be a horrifying spectacle. Really though, hetero pundits know jack about queer culture, and it would be nice every third millinium to hear a gay voice on the subject.

Craig is probably a self hating queen, which is nothing new. Of course he is full of internalized homophobia. He’s from Idaho, where spitting venom at gay people is taught at the University level. His only option was the tea room. If he had gone to bars, he’d have been spotted in a New York minute. If he'd had a partner, the folks back home would have learned of it, and his career would be over.

Anonymous fumbling in bathrooms is all that closeted republicans can expect. And older queens were raised in a crueler environment than the baby boomers, who were raised in a crueler environment than Generations X, Y, and Z. The old guys are often filled with regret and self loathing, which can make them do strange things. But they are only a nuisance. No one is making passes at kids or having open sex on the wash basin.

Brass tacks: the media scandal was all about Craig's allegedly being allegedly gay, allegedly. If he had taken a drunken swing at a cop, it would have been swept under the rug faster than you can say ‘Case dismissed. And would you mind taking a picture with my boy Elmer on your knee? Sit up straight now boy. Say cheese. Thanks a heap Senator. Would y’all like to stop by the house for whiskey and a side o' cow?’

The real scandal was Craig’s history of stabbing his own people in the back. And he was still at it. Maybe that feverish brain was trying to get back in by voting against more civil rights laws. But he won’t be renting a flat on the Upper Eastside anytime soon, or scattering doilies over inexpressibly vulgar French antiques. Bad taste is par for the course in Republican circles, and would be so in character for a Senator from Idaho. But no. The Senator was clinging to his office like a vulture on Camille Paglia's ego.

The media, meanwhile, were on the story like Rush Limbaugh on a deep fried, pharmaceutically enhanced cow bladder. But don’t expect anyone to mention that, in places less charming than Minnesota, the police entrap and bear false witness against queers on a regular basis. And they won't say one word about the massive contributions we make to this society.

Why should they? Trashing minorities is good for the ratings. Roberto Gonzales was so very 10 minutes ago. And the Craig story was too delicious. It was all there: sex; hypocrisy; potty training; Senatorial footsy; and a handsome, clean cut officer only doing his duty to keep the toilets of our land clear of lonely misfits. It was also a perfect opportunity for the pundits to practice sneering (tastefully understated), while even good liberals were glued to the set.

All of this makes gay people look like hell, of course, which is the thanks we get for beautifying this rube fest with stylish neighborhoods, The Nutcracker Suite, and the shaved head look for balding men. You're welcome.

Addendumb

There’s another side to this, and it’s about Craig's being outed. For older generations, outing was rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. The times were meaner, and being outed could mean loosing your job and friends, and maybe being turned out on the street with only the doilies on your back.

Along came that bitch queen who invented outing, which in it’s early form meant ratting out anyone at the drop of a hat. And we oldsters were duly shocked. But the practice has been refined over the years and is now used only on finks like Ms. Craig. It was handled quite elegantly, with activists and the media protecting others in congress who deserve to be able to do their jobs in peace.